Keep your mom off Facebook

Those were the days, the late 2000s. “Orkut” was shown the door by bubblegum Indian teens. The Facebook tornado had now engulfed them. The azure blue of Facebook was penetrating cyber cafes outside the schools and opera minis on good old Nokia devices faster than Eminem could rap “don’t tag me in stupid motivational quotes, you moron.”

Initially, the fad stayed limited to wannabe-celebrity teenagers pretending they had a life. The dopamine boost that they got when the most popular girl in the class accepted their “friend request” kept them hooked on to the platform. The most popular girl in return could brag about how many friendship requests she’d kept pending the next day in school. Gradually, the number of likes on Display Pictures and the number of shares your statuses had become the parameter by which the teenagers could measure their self-worth.

I was one such puppy-eyed teenager who joined Facebook, trying not to miss out on the latest fad, lest my friends think I am not cool. Hiding behind the display picture of Justin Bieber, I pretended to be someone whom I could never be in real life. The number of friend requests I sent to girls hiding behind Selena Gomez was humongous. The ones that did get accepted were by wannabe-Selena Gomez teenage guys. It was frustrating, creepy and disgusting, all at the same time, given that I always knew I was straight.

Like everyone I knew, I passed school and joined Engineering. I had followed the second fad after Facebook, and both of them would cause a ruckus in my life later on. Lesson learned, never follow fads.

But the bottom line was, I had grown up a little and my tastes had changed. I had grown especially wary of profiles hiding behind Selena Gomez. I had even stopped accepting requests from profiles with “Angel”, “Princess”, “Cool Dude” and “Superstar” prefixed to their names. I no longer spoke to people who were “not working, still studyyyyyyyying”.  Instead, I had now become a “Bhakt”, rooting for Narendra Modi for the general elections. I am not sure if it was any better or worse.

One thing still hadn’t changed though. I could still enjoy absolute freedom on Facebook. My friends could still tag me in Mia Khalifa pictures and I could comment “jaw-dropping!” on them, my newfound girlfriend could post “I miss you” on my “timeline” and I could reply with “I love you, honey”, I could post “inappropriate” jokes when Facebook asked me what was on my mind, I could tear apart a Congress supporter with a barrage of abuses and for sure, I could share “sanskaari” pictures from my new-year party.

Little did I know that Narendra Modi had become the Prime Minister and we were amidst a Digital India now. One such fateful morning, I woke up almost still asleep. I follow a strict routine when it comes to my early morning rituals. I religiously log in to Facebook and don’t stop until I have scrolled down until the core of the very earth. I had received a new Friend Request. It was from my Mom. I was taken aback. My mom who couldn’t handle the TV remote on her own had opened the Google Play Store, downloaded the Facebook messenger app, created a new account, looked me up and sent me a friend request. I was more likely to spot the great Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar himself under my bed than this happening.

I gave her a call, she picked up. I was about to utter something but was graciously interrupted.

“What kind of hairs do you have on Facebook? We never got you a hair-cut like that!”

My mind traversed back to my boyhood days and shuddered at the hair-cut my mom had once got me in a beauty parlor when I was 8. I reminded her how I had missed school for 7 days post that day. But she had none of it. She commanded me to change my Display Picture before our neighbor Gupta Ji, who also happens to be on Facebook got me busted for my crime.

I agreed and changed my Display Picture to Lord Krishna. Everything changed once that happened.

“I miss you” on my timeline by my lady love was now met with “Who are you?”. Mia Khalifa pictures were instantly removed and the taggers were mercilessly blocked. The Congress supporters had now found a new voice on my timeline. My new year party pictures were now replaced with photos of me participating in the temple Aartis.  I stopped discussing my semester results on Facebook altogether. Those mentioning it were duly unfriended, both on social media and real life. The worst happened when I came to know I couldn’t block the “Last Seen” feature. No more late night Facebook sessions trying to stalk random people.

Honestly, nothing changed for me, I was still pretending to be someone I was not on Facebook. But for people who knew me, things escalated pretty quickly after that. My girlfriend started believing I was ashamed to call her my girl. My friends started believing I was preparing for UPSC even though I am oblivious to whatever the dreadful acronym stands for. Congress supporters on my friend list thought I had taken to the right way of life.

So friends, if your freedom on Facebook means more to you than Rahul Gandhi means to the Congress party, block your mom on Facebook. You never know when you might face the wrath of Digital India.

(The above is a work of fiction)

Guest blogger: Parimal Paritosh

 

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5 Type of People on Facebook Who Always Keep on Complaining About it!

One of the biggest inventions of the 21st century, ‘Facebook’ is a virtual cosmos in its own. It’s a voyeur’s paradise. Never dull and often entertaining. Be it articles, news, selfies or posts, you can find everything and meet every kind on Facebook. Although it was meant for communication yet some people don’t leave a stone unturned to complain about Facebook (on Facebook):

1. The Gullible Ones

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They are the ones who believe everything they read on Facebook and then talk about how everything on the internet is fake. The same uncle who shares posts how Modi Jee is going to ban Rs 2000 notes, is also the same uncle who is neurotically paranoid about scammers on the internet. Well, if you think everything written on Facebook is fake, then why do you think the Internet has the “correct” information? A mind-boggling paradox, this reveals a lot about people.

2. Selfie Haters

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Smart peeps who complain about others uploading too many photos on Facebook, either they’re just jealous about your selfies or think that they’re too busy so they just scroll down them. But, they seem to miss the fact that it is a photo-sharing platform. Complaining about photos on Facebook is like becoming a cab driver and complaining about traffic. You just cannot.

3. The Threateners

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The “I’m deleting my Facebook soon, here are some deep thoughts about why I’m doing this” update. Wow, cool. Are you taking a week or a month off of Facebook to focus on #real life shit? Congrats!! But, the world doesn’t need some elongated post about it. Just do it, bro.

4. Hilarious Hypocrites

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They’re the anti-Facebook folks who want to warn that you can be robbed of your money, become a victim of revenge porn, have your possessions stolen, your bank details can get leaked, and whatnot! The best part is that they spread the word by ranting on Facebook (WTF!).

5. The Senior Citizens 

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Oldies who don’t know the basics of using Facebook, constantly complain about it. They whine about how you, their niece, nephew, child, or friend’s child, are always on Facebook, and how you shouldn’t be on it because it is unsafe, blah, blah. Why? Because they have a total of three friends on Facebook, in addition to their wife, and their son who has put them on limited profile. As a result, your activity is the only thing they see on their timeline when they log in once a month.
And at some point, you really wish to tell all of these moaners:S

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India Facebook’s #1 country, What does this mean for you?

Facebook has crossed 2 billion users worldwide, announced Mark Zukenberg, a few weeks ago, This means one out of ever 4 people in the world, is on Facebook.

Last week it was clear, that India has overtaken the USA, to be the country with most FB users. The USA has 240million users (out of a population of 321 million people), India has 241 million users (out of a population of 1.3 billion).

What does this mean for you:

People will not just be using Facebook to their friends and families, companies will be using FB to reach their audiences : there will be jobs that include FB marketing, understanding FB analytics, creating FB communities and more. It could also mean, creating apps for FB.

One of the things you must do, is to keep a regular tab on the FB developers site, which tells you how to keep abreast with what FB is doing, in a way that helps you plan a career.

Which Messenger App Do Indian Students Prefer …

According to leading insights site, e-marketeer, 80% of Indian students , between the ages of 12 -18 surveyed, prefer Whatsapp.

source : here

Based on research conduced by Tata Consultancy Services (TCS), the survey looked at

roughly 12,000 students ages 12 to 18 from 15 schools across 15 cities in India. Males were more likely than females to prefer that instant messaging app over all others.

Coming in at Number 2 is FB messenger

Nearly seven in 10 respondents said that it was their preferred instant messaging service. Again, males were more likely than females to agree. For example, 70% of male students said they preferred Facebook Messenger. It was also the second most popular choice among females, chosen by 58% as their preferred messaging app.

Which messenger do you use — and why do you like it above all ?